I try very hard to be aware of the black-hole that is negativity. For me, when it drags me in it is a downward spiral of soul-sucking jaded and bitter thoughts… which usually are focused on demeaning myself. I have just always been my own worst enemy when negativity rears its ugly head.
Lately, some of my old haunts have been coming back to drag me under… as well as a problem so many people face, financial issues.
My old haunts consist of issues that many people perhaps would not understand. I have some OCD stuff.. with my skin… with my weight. These things have been a thorn in my side since I was a kid. It doesn’t help that I have a chronic illness that centers around inflammation… which in turn makes my entire body feel inflamed. I get obsessive with my skin (which I can work wonders with using makeup - but I would die for a “peaches and cream” complexion) and my torso area (which is shorter than I would like it to be ) My stomach is an area that often feels bloated– triggering an “I feel fat” response that most women know too well. I know this all sounds petty… I loathe the cycle of these issues that are really NOT so serious. I just let them get to me.. I figure when all else fails… blog about it… get it OUT… Out of my head. Perhaps someone out there will relate and feel better about their own body stuff? I hope so
… and the money issues. This mostly has to do with medical bills that I thought were done visiting my mailbox. Then, this past Tuesday there was another $400 “present” waiting for me. This is all heightened by the place where I work, seeing so many people abusing the system… with no insurance… getting their treatment written off. Even more than the patients I see - (because many of them DO need help and as a clinician my heart could really care less if they have funding, I just want to see them safe)- it is the people I hear about in life in general, the people who file bankruptcy over and over again, the people who get bills written off over and over again. I work so hard, have insurance, have an education, pay all my bills, and I still barely keep my head above water financially. Between medical bills and my school loans I wonder if I will ever be able to afford a new car (at least I don’t have a car payment - I have a 1999 pontiac sunfire had it since senior year of high school ) a home, or be able to realistically start a family.
Ahhhh. I have so many things to be thankful for, sometimes it’s just that even with 100 positives, those negatives can really be a downer! However, this is why I connect with others, create art and prose, and continue to strive to make this world a better place every day…. because truly, we aren’t that blemish on our face, we aren’t the weight we think we need to lose, and we sure as hell aren’t our bills. We are amazing individuals who transcend all those very minor things. The big picture is so beautiful if we just let go and focus on it.
Here’s to therapeutic blogging
love and light…