I hear a lot of people talk about what keeps them up at night.  For me, the morning is when I struggle to find solace. 

First of all, I never know what my stomach will do after I wake. Will the symptoms of an auto-immune imbalance consume a minimal or exuberant amount of my time?

… and then there is my brain.  I am never sure how that part of my anatomy is going to feel either. 

The morning is not the time to regret not working out the day before, or dwell on what I ate the prior evening.  It is also not the time to think about what I haven’t done yet in life and what I want to do and why I haven’t done it yet.  However, my brain likes to go there during the early part of the day.  Not every morning, but a significant amount, I can allow my mind to talk me into quite a funk. 

For example, we saw The Muppets Movie on Sunday (it was so wonderful!) and early Monday there I was, Wikipedia-ing the crap out of Jim Henson, etc.- and feeling terrible about not doing something more creative with my life/career.

What was the point of that?  Especially at 5 a.m.

This morning was a bit better- especially because I was feeling a sense of awareness about what I have been doing to my well-being.

Now that I have been writing steadily for the past 6 months, I am unlocking blockages of energy and thoughts that were fogging up my brain… and causing ridiculous (self-inflicted) burdens. 

Everyday, even if I do not write, I am thinking about what I am writing next.  I now have an outlet for all the obstructions that pop up and get in the way of having a clear and positive perspective.  Writing is my truth, my therapy, my release.

I may have not created a franchise of puppets/marionettes… but I can surely create from the contemplations that the sunrise brings.  Tomorrow, a note pad will take the brunt of my musings- my mind’s release will not be its restriction.

xo.

As I power walked on the slightly inclined treadmill this evening, I noticed how dark it was outside.  For a moment, I imagined that the darkness instead belonged to the morning.  I chuckled at the thought of myself completing my thirty-minutes of cardio before work.  “I’m not sure what would motivate me to get up early enough to make that a habit,” I thought to myself.

Instantly, my brain came back with a rebuttal, “What if you were in an accident and couldn’t use the treadmill anymore…? A result of the misfortune left you unable to work out at any time of day?”

Whoa, my psyche was getting all serious on me.  However, it was good question… and a subject I can connect with other recent interactions.

Today, while speaking with someone about the time-frame directly following my first, and most serious, hospital stay- I heard myself say, “That was a wonderful time, there is something about having a near death experience that makes you really enjoy life.”

Yesterday, a woman I know was telling me how well her daughter is doing now after she essentially hit rock bottom concerning problems with addiction.  “She is a new person,” the woman related with a smile.

This forces me to wonder, what does it take to motivate us to thrive… to make us appreciate wellness, a sound body, and life itself?  An accident? A bout of serious illness?  A struggle?

I have always had a weird phrase that I like to repeat. In the spirit of full disclosure, I suppose it is more of a rationalization, but I do feel that, “I would rather have been there and back than not have been there at all.”

I believe that all my mistakes and trials have built character, and have made me stronger and wiser… but, were they absolutely necessary to cause growth?  Would I appreciate life as much as I do without them?  Would I appreciate life more if I experienced more tragedy?

I do feel blessed to have Crohn’s.  With heart disease in my genetics (my mom had two heart attacks at 31 years-old), I hope that my lifestyle and diet changes will reverse my heredity.  Then the inevitable question arises… If I didn’t have a chronic condition that forced me to focus on daily choices, would the motivation be there?

It’s just something to think about next time I find myself dwelling on why I can’t … while conversely, in many situations, I actually can-

and I should be grateful for how beautiful that truly is.

xo.