Trust in your ability to soar…
… and rise up.
The prominent apexes,
Concealed by self-cast shadows.
The valley provides comfort…
… When balance is unknown.
Stop resuscitating self-doubt,
Give your light vindication.
Our life can escape from interrogation…
… When the moment is full with our energy.
This entire week I have had the privilege to be a part of a countless number of beautiful, terrifying, disturbing, innocent, sincere, and hilarious moments and interactions. In a professional and personal context.
I could find a hundred topics amidst those moments to write about, but… it just wasn’t happening.
I was creatively stuck.
I tried to create a collage of photographs from my phone to sum up the past few days. However, they just didn’t do my experiences justice.
Perhaps my blog was taking on a different function? Two months ago I survived with my metaphorical “muzzle” on at all times… my writings and creations were how I released the smoke from the fire of truth inside of me.
Now, I am constantly processing, constantly creating. I write daily in emails, notes, and texts expressing my whole truth.
Then, today all the moments and all the people and all the ups and downs from the week came together as I was texting with an incredible friend who is going through something.
I told her…
Life is a roller coaster of beauty and pain. We have to figure out when to breathe, when to hold on, and when to just trust.
Then, I wrote it on the board in my office and sat with it… the words that could not be rushed, and could not be written without being experienced.
To all the dynamic souls who allowed me to experience life “muzzle-free” this week-
Thank you for reminding me to breathe… to hold on… and to trust.
If the dynamics of my life hadn’t blossomed over the past two months, I could not feel as uncritical and at ease as I do now.
From Friday until this moment I have been on a physical roller coaster. However, these ups and downs have been comfortable. Well, let’s just say comfortable in an emotional sense, as-for once- I am not subconsciously yelling self-deprecating taunts over my inner loud-speaker as I rest and get better.
As I make sure to always mention to others (and I am learning how to tell myself) this is progress!
I am sans insurance at the moment. While this is slightly freeing, as hundreds of dollars a month are making an appearance in my paycheck, it isn’t without risk. I cannot misrecollect that my last hospital stay would have cost me around twenty-five thousand dollars, and not around the three or so thousand that I am still paying off.
So, Friday morning as the voice in my head panicked, I heard another voice. Well, in reality I saw a supportive text, and I realized – it is okay if I need to rest, to take a break.
Even though I am still 90 percent sure this is a flu/bug, my immune-system has shown that it can easily switch to total self-attack mode. I had to avoid a total physical avalanche.
So I rested, and I mean total rest… not just laying in bed while my mind raced.
Saturday our tasks and errands flowed with ease. Physically I took notes of how much to push, and mentally I did the same.
Today was more rest. My amazing Dad understood.
Now, as I alternate between Gatorade, water, and hot tea, I know I have done all I can for myself.
It’s simple, really. We all deserve to feel comfortable and safe… to rest when we need to. I just know I have to continue to keep my spirits up, no matter how I feel tomorrow morning.
Clear the hurts out of your life, the ones that make you walk on eggshells in your own psyche. Allow the support from others, and from yourself. Teach pain to embody your mentor and not your captor.
At acupuncture tonight, I was told I have a “floating pulse.”
She said this was because my immune-system was activated, and it was struggling to push out a pathogen.
I wish there was a way to eloquently describe the symptoms I have become familiar with the past few days. I will say that a floating pulse was welcomed information- a pathogen is much more easily treated than an influx of Crohn’s pathology.
Mentally, I could not be more free of pathogens.
The pulse of my spirit is beating steadily.
Today marks the year anniversary of my first blog post.
It started with this.
… and here I am now, filled with so much inspiration. Every day bursts with beauty. I have been taking the most incredible mental notes, and as soon as my immune system kicks that pathogen’s ass, my renewed energy will bring shine to the incredible meaning I have found amidst the symptoms.
I am pushing my boundaries. I have rediscovered dreams I once had, but had consented to abandoning. I am finding my voice, my truth. I am developing a side of myself that I only imagined in my most confident of aspirations.
A year later, after creating a place where I went to truly be myself, I am finding that the real me isn’t just on a site anymore- it’s inside of me (and it’s shining a light that grows brighter by the day).
Please, don’t nurture what does not nurture you.
Mental toxins can be cleansed with the courage that awaits your acknowledgment.
A requirement of the symptoms of my Crohn’s Disease is to bring me a gift. If they are going to hang out with me, the least they can do is impart something positive.
I have come to appreciate and enjoy working out. For me, the benefits help convince me to go to the gym more often than not.
Today, my previously mentioned symptoms just stole my focus as I pushed forward on the elliptical machine.
After fifteen minutes, I returned home.
However, as required, a gift was waiting for me…
…Today a gift of creation-
Get your power from your obstacles.
I have been sitting with my pastels and charcoal pencils for a week now. I even dragged my drawing supplies with me to work a couple times, in case inspiration struck me.
I did create a doodle on lined paper with permanent marker two days ago, but I still felt like I needed to express something more picturesque… something with color.
Yesterday, the incredible place where I get to work held a Wellness Expo. A woman was doing aura photography, and I had my essence captured on film.
Something more picturesque, something with color-
Like an energetic and curious child, my psyche needs direction and stimulation.
I keep notebooks close by so I can create to-do lists, doodle, or write. I don’t think I am ever not creating… my brain is continuously marinating with words and phrases and ideas.
Here is a photographic look into my attempts at harnessing my vivacious mind.
* Tap into your childhood. I have to remind myself to do things that put me in a place where I feel lighthearted and where time passes more slowly, i.e. write with a pencil on lined paper, eat salads with iceberg lettuce (not the bagged stuff), and/or watch The Butcher’s Wife (I was about 9 when I saw it on Cinemax and Demi Moore has such fun, curly blond hair and it’s a tragic love story that ends happily ever after).
* Please, do not lose the excitement you feel right now. Stick it in a bottle, open it up every morning… and breathe it in.
* It’s been kind of amazing how my weekly quotes, perhaps subconsciously, have somehow highlighted the theme of my experiences with others.
Doing therapy is therapy for me. I genuinely love knowing about other people’s perspectives. Selfishly, it helps me make sense of things—- but, then I go where they are, and I tell them the gifts I see in them and around them. It feels beautifully mutual. What I get to do every day, it motivates me and balances me. I guess that’s what happens when you do something you’re passionate about… and that’s pretty cool.