If the dynamics of my life hadn’t blossomed over the past two months, I could not feel as uncritical and at ease as I do now.

From Friday until this moment I have been on a physical roller coaster.  However, these ups and downs have been comfortable.  Well, let’s just say comfortable in an emotional sense, as-for once- I am not subconsciously yelling self-deprecating taunts over my inner loud-speaker as I rest and get better.

As I make sure to always mention to others (and I am learning how to tell myself) this is progress!

 

I am sans insurance at the moment.   While this is slightly freeing, as hundreds of dollars a month are making an appearance in my paycheck, it isn’t without risk.  I cannot misrecollect that my last hospital stay would have cost me around twenty-five thousand dollars, and not around the three or so thousand that I am still paying off.

So, Friday morning as the voice in my head panicked, I heard another voice.  Well, in reality I saw a supportive text, and I realized – it is okay if I need to rest, to take a break.

Even though I am still 90 percent sure this is a flu/bug, my immune-system has shown that it can easily switch to total self-attack mode.  I had to avoid a total physical avalanche.

So I rested, and I mean total rest… not just laying in bed while my mind raced.

 

Saturday our tasks and errands flowed with ease.  Physically I took notes of how much to push, and mentally I did the same.

 

Today was more rest.  My amazing Dad understood.

 

Now, as I alternate between Gatorade, water, and hot tea, I know I have done all I can for myself.

It’s simple, really.  We all deserve to feel comfortable and safe… to rest when we need to.  I just know I have to continue to keep my spirits up, no matter how I feel tomorrow morning.

 

 

Clear the hurts out of your life, the ones that make you walk on eggshells in your own psyche.   Allow the support from others, and from yourself.  Teach pain to embody your mentor and not your captor.

 

xo.

At acupuncture tonight, I was told I have a “floating pulse.”

She said this was because my immune-system was activated, and it was struggling to push out a pathogen.

 

I wish there was a way to eloquently describe the symptoms I have become familiar with the past few days.  I will say that a floating pulse was welcomed information- a pathogen is much more easily treated than an influx of Crohn’s pathology.

 

Mentally, I could not be more free of pathogens.

 

The pulse of my spirit is beating steadily.

 

Today marks the year anniversary of my first blog post.

It started with this.

 

… and here I am now, filled with so much inspiration.  Every day bursts with beauty.  I have been taking the most incredible mental notes, and as soon as my immune system kicks that pathogen’s ass, my renewed energy will bring shine to the incredible meaning I have found amidst the symptoms.

 

I am pushing my boundaries. I have rediscovered dreams I once had, but had consented to abandoning.  I am finding my voice, my truth.  I am developing a side of myself that I only imagined in my most confident of aspirations.

 

A year later, after creating a place where I went to truly be myself, I am finding that the real me isn’t just on a site anymore- it’s inside of me (and it’s shining a light that grows brighter by the day).

 

Please, don’t nurture what does not nurture you.

 

Mental toxins can be cleansed with the courage that awaits your acknowledgment.

 

 

 

 

xo.